Sorry for this ambigous title, but it's important to my topic.
This will not be a very fun thing to write, so don't expect this blog to be as interesting as the previous ones.
This week, I got a call from my parents telling me that my grandfather passed away.
It was the first message I heard that Tuesday morning. At first, I didn't know what to say or do when recieving the message, I was dumbstruck.
My grandfather was old, born before WWII, but he was never sickly or very weak. He'd always be willing to talk each time I could over the phone.
It was jarring because I just talked with him 2 weeks ago and he was certainly doing fine and eating well.
All I could do was listen as my parents told me to stay calm and continue living with his blessing within me. I still went to classes and completed assignments,
and yet no matter what, my grandpa's death still hurt me even when I wasn't thinking about it directly
My grandfather was someone who wasn't the closest to me. Sure I have many fond memories with him on multiple different places we've all been to, but since he lives in another country, it's hard to spend time with him, or even communicate with him over the phone due to that.
So when our family was planning to visit him over summer break, I was overjoyed to get the opportunity to talk with him over so many experiences I had.
Things that could not be explained over the phone or video call and had to be explained in person in order to feel and convey it.
And yet when I got the message, it hurt me, mostly because I had so much I wanted to speak to him about.
So many memories I had made in college. Fun stories that me and my friends did and accomplishments I had done.
I thought it would be a feeling that would pain me, but something I could get over in a week, just like how I was able to do so for my other grandparents who passed away in my childhood.
Last night, I called my parents, who left to perform his final rites and do the funeral precesion. I talked with my dad over how I've been doing and what plans I was going to have for my spring break.
And then he talked about the final rites he performed for my grandpa and I simply couldn't hold it anymore.
I started to cry uncontrollably.
It hurt me so much more than I was telling myself it did.
I tried to supress my feelings and not acknowloding or speaking to anyone, but the more I hid them, the more they crept up and affected me for the worse.
My dad was able to console me after a couple of minutes, telling me to try and not think of the things I couldn't do or say, but what I was able to, and try to move on to the future with the memories I've made.
So why write all of this. Why write about this blog when it's so personal, makes me vulerable, and overall is very melancholy?
Because we all have, or might have, a loved one who may pass away, wheter it be from natural, or unnatural circumstances.
We may think it is possible to move on easily or stay strong despite the loss we may incur, yet we realize that their loss was more impactful then what we initially thought it might have been.
We shouldn't try to think off what we weren't able to do or what memories were not created with them. Chances are, you've made so many memories with them already, ones which may not have crossed your mind when thinking about them, but they are immesurable and worth every single moment.
Focus deeply on the memories that have been created, and think of the joy that was found and shared rather than the joy that never came.
Chances are, you'll come to cherish them even more and realize the impact you've had on them.
It's hard not to be sad whenever someone close passes away. Rather than stay depressed over thier loss, move on to become someone to be proud off.
We cannot stay the same, life goes on and so must we.
Our joy and sucess in life is what they would want to have seen, so try to keep that spirit alive despite their non-existince in the living realm
Also, do not try to bottle your feelings. It doesn't help you and affects you negatively. I was unable to function properly for the rest of the week due to how I dealt with my feelings.
Talk to your family or loved ones for support. They will always be there for you and understand you the best, right behind yourself of course. They can help you stay strong and console you through though times.
But the most important thing, is that you should try to cherish all who you are close with and spend as long as you can with them. You may never know the last time you'll talk with them, or the impact the memories will have on them, so don't push them away. Always try and find time to communicate with them, express the love you have for them, and create a lasting memory that both of you(or more than 2) can be proud off.
I know I'm not the best at expressing myself. I cannot express myself clearly on text. I am someone more suited to expressing my thoughts with my voice and emotions in real time, rather than as a reflection.
I hope you understand this, and I wish you all a great week.
Take care.